My husband and I celebrate our anniversary this month—58 years together! When we started out, things didn’t look very promising. We were living 200 miles apart, so we only knew each other through letters and sporadic weekend visits. With both of us in university, we had no money saved and our career prospects were dubious. We received no premarital counselling and didn’t seek anyone’s advice. Besides all that, our country was at war. Knowing he’d be drafted as soon as he graduated, we didn’t even know if we could count on a future together!

In spite of our inexperience, immaturity, and the many challenges we faced, God’s grace carried us through. I’m sure our parents’ prayers and ongoing support helped a lot, especially during the most difficult years. But there was something else that anchored us in our sea of chaos—a sense that we were meant to be together. Even before we fully surrendered to the Lord, Tony and I both believed that our marriage was part of a bigger plan for our lives.   

When the Lord created mankind, He made Adam as a single individual. After declaring everything He’d made “good” throughout Genesis one, God declares in 2:18, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” This word for helper—ezer in Hebrew—is used to refer to God in 16 of the 19 times it appears in the Old Testament. So it’s obviously not a term meant to convey the idea of someone subservient or inferior, like we might use the word “helper” in English. As Adam’s ezer, Eve would be essential for him to fulfill his calling from God. Adam, the one, was made two, and then the two over time would become “one” again in their purpose … to partner with the Lord as His representatives on the earth. “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

Then, in chapter three of Genesis, SIN enters the picture. As a result, the relationship between Adam and Eve was spoiled by division, competition, blame, and shame. What God had designed to be cooperative and mutually satisfying suddenly became a struggle as each tried to “rule over” the other. No wonder we find marriage so challenging at times! Often, opposites in personality are attracted to one another, and that’s good because each brings different strengths and weaknesses to the relationship. But our differences can also create conflict—lots of it. John Gray’s book title, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, puts into words what we’ve all felt at times.  

Our differences, however, need not hinder us from building successful marriages–marriages that not only endure, but also bring joy to both partners. If we can recognize how differences bring diversity (and therefore greater wisdom) in our family’s perspectives, insights, and experiences, we’ll celebrate having a spouse different from us. After all, who’d want to be in relationship with someone exactly like ourselves—a mere clone? God is triune in nature, and I believe He designed marriage to reflect this three-in-one reality. Through complementary roles, the husband and wife partner with the Lord to support one another and produce godly offspring within a loving community. It’s by bringing Him into our marriages that we experience “holy matrimony.” Many wedding ceremonies today include this passage from Ecclesiastes chapter 4:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. … Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. … Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). 

Like anything else in life that’s worthwhile, a godly marriage isn’t achieved easily. There will be setbacks, disappointments, and difficulties to overcome. None should enter marriage with a Hollywood view—that if we find our “perfect” soul mate, we’ll naturally live happily ever after. The process will stretch us and at times threaten to break us. But when we turn to the Lord, we find He has the help we need to make the necessary adjustments. (We all understand, of course, the necessity some will face in exceptional cases of abandonment and abuse in marriage. Sometimes we must make the hard decision to leave unsafe situations for the sake of our children and our wellbeing. God’s Spirit will help us make that call. In spite of such crushing disappointments, we can still say, however, that God’s plan for marriage is perfect … even if our lives never are.)      

An often-overlooked benefit of the intimacy of marriage is how spouses can help expose those “blind spots” we all have but can’t see on our own. By having to address misunderstandings and exercise compassion, by confessing our faults to one another and offering forgiveness when offenses come, we become more mature followers of Jesus. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Follow God’s example, as dearly loved children, and walk in the way of love” (Ephesians 4:32-5:2). When children join our families, the challenges we face increase exponentially. But again, God’s grace is sufficient when we seek Him. Because of our differing approaches to life, each parent is helpful in shaping their children’s formation. (Again, this isn’t always possible but we see the wisdom of God’s design.)   

The mutual comfort and support of a godly marriage is especially important as we grow older. In that stage of life, we need the stability of a love that overcomes all obstacles: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. … It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

I like how the Book of Common Prayer captures the many facets of “holy matrimony.”

Dearly beloved: We have come together in the presence of God to witness and bless the joining together of this man and this woman in Holy Matrimony. The bond and covenant of marriage was established by God in creation, and our Lord Jesus Christ adorned this manner of life by his presence and first miracle at a wedding in Cana of Galilee. It signifies to us the mystery of the union between Christ and his Church, and Holy Scripture commends it to be honored among all people. The union of husband and wife in heart, body, and mind is intended by God for their mutual joy; for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity; and, when it is God’s will, for the procreation of children and their nurture in the knowledge and love of the Lord. Therefore, marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately, and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God.

Our Father in heaven, thank you for your steadfast love that models for us how we are to love our covenant partners. Strengthen our marriages by binding us together with you in a cord of three strands. May we experience the “mutual joy” you planned for us by yielding to your Word and Spirit. Help us to be grateful for our spouses and give us grace to flex and persevere when tough times come. For those of us who are not married, Lord, we trust that our relationship with you will be sufficient for whatever calling you have put on our lives. Help us to serve you wholeheartedly, whether we are married or not. To you be all honor and glory, both now and forever! Amen.