Building a relationship with anyone is hard work.

That’s not because the person is necessarily difficult to know or enjoy. It’s just that we must be willing to spend the time to find out things about them – what they like and dislike, their background, their future dreams, as well as the fears and concerns they live with. To be a friend means “getting to know you, getting to know all about you” (as the song in The King and I put it). Fortunately, a faithful friend is worth the investment in time and energy.

So what’s involved in building a relationship with God? Obviously, He’s different from human friends. For starters, He already knows everything there is to know about us. (Given that fact, isn’t it amazing that He wants to have a personal relationship with us?)

We, on the other hand, know little about Him when we first come into His family through new birth. We must discover who He is – the One who is so different in nature from us. (Even though we were made in His image originally, we now bear the marks of sin in how we think, act, and feel. So we struggle to identify with Him.)

Here’s where Scripture becomes so valuable. In the recorded events, inspired words of the prophets, and God’s words to His people we learn a lot about Him. We can find out in a hurry what He likes, what makes Him mad, and how He sees the world. We discover how He wants His people to respond to Him and to one another.

Getting to Know Him

Whether we’re seeking to build a relationship with Jesus, the Father, or the Holy Spirit, we will need to take the time to read Scripture and pray. For even though He knows everything about us, including what we need, He still wants us to acknowledge through prayer our dependency upon Him. He invites us in, to share our fears and our frustrations, our joys and our hopes with Him. He wants us to ask for His help in living out what He has called us to be and do.

In a short blog like this, I obviously can’t cover everything that can affect our relationship with God’s Spirit, but I’ll offer a couple for us to consider straight from Scripture. These passages will throw light on how we can sabotage this vital relationship if we aren’t careful.

As I’ve been reiterating in the last few months, the Holy Spirit is our best friend when it comes to spiritual life and learning how to live like Jesus. We need His companionship, His power, His wisdom, His comfort, His gifts, and His fruit. So guarding and nurturing our relationship with Him is vital for us to grow spiritually.

1. Grieving God’s Spirit

What does this verb mean? When we grieve someone – and remember, the Holy Spirit is a person, not an impersonal force – we cause them to feel sad or unhappy; we bring them distress and suffering.

“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:30-32).

Paul makes an important connection here. When we (the children of God) live like we belong to the world – doing the kinds of things we practiced before we were saved – it grieves the Holy Spirit. He doesn’t physically leave us, but we cannot sense His presence and we have a hard time hearing Him speak. It’s like He goes silent in our consciousness.

Sadly, the nation of Israel made a habit of grieving God’s Spirit throughout their history. “In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old. YET they rebelled and GRIEVED His Holy Spirit” (Isaiah 63:9-10, emphasis added). King David knew firsthand the anguish of no longer sensing the leading of God’s Spirit because of sin. He cries, “Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation” (Psalm 51:11-12).

We may not think it matters when we nurse bitterness in our hearts, bear grudges, refuse to forgive, lash out in anger, gossip about, or slander another person. But this kind of behavior is opposite to God’s loving nature. It is, as Galatians 5 reveals, the works of our fleshly nature. When we indulge in this kind of behavior and nurse these kinds of attitudes the Holy Spirit will seem to go silent until we repent and ask for His forgiveness.

When Christians choose to live by the power of their NEW nature, which is “created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:24) they can count on the power of the Holy Spirit to help them. But the opposite is also true: If we choose to give in to sin and dishonor the Lord Jesus, we can harm our relationship with the Spirit until we humble ourselves and make it right.

2. Quenching God’s Spirit

The Holy Spirit can also be quenched. In Scripture, God is sometimes likened to holy FIRE. (For a few examples, see Exodus 13:21; Isaiah 30:27; Jeremiah 23:29; Matthew 3:11; Acts 2:3; 1 Thessalonians 5:19-22; Hebrews 12:29.) The way we “quench” any kind of fire is by throwing a bucket of water on it. This extinguishes it and keeps it from spreading. (We can also smother a fire, which has the same effect.)

“Do not PUT OUT the Spirit’s fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:19-22 NIV 1984).

We put out (quench) the impact of the Holy Spirit when we ignore His counsel, thinking maybe we know better than He does. Another way we can quench Him is by refusing to step out in obedience when He opens up an opportunity to glorify God. Often, the reasons are either fear or rebellion. Both are hindrances to fully trusting God and responding to Him in faith and obedience.

Just this morning – yes, the very day I’m writing this – I had an opportunity to heed the Holy Spirit’s voice. It would have prevented an ugly disagreement in our household, but I thought I could handle the situation in my own strength. I would be careful, I assured myself – I would “say it in love.”

Just before I opened my mouth I felt a check in my spirit, a gentle nudge that seemed to warn “be careful here.” It was ever so slight and easy to ignore, though. So I plowed on, and in no time found myself in the middle of an argument, a scene that did not honor God!

This is an example of how we quench the Spirit’s influence. Because I didn’t listen, I had to repair the damage, apologize for my behavior, and ask forgiveness. How much easier it would have been had I just obeyed His voice! “We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check” (James 3:2). The tongue is an unruly member for all of us. We need God’s help to keep it in check!

The children of Israel made a habit of not only grieving but also quenching God’s Spirit. Over and over God reached out in love to them but they refused to listen or obey Him. As a result, they found themselves fighting against God. As Christians, we don’t want to follow their bad example.

“As the Holy Spirit says, ‘Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the wilderness.’ See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. … [The children of Israel] were not able to enter [the Promised Land] because of their unbelief” (Heb. 3:7-8, 12, 19).

Now, the Good News!

Fortunately, the Bible doesn’t just give us the bad news. It gives good counsel about how to cultivate and build an intimate relationship with God. Just before the passage about quenching God’s Spirit, Paul gives some practical ways we can please Him.

“Live in peace with each other. … Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thess. 5:13, 15-18).

In spite of its dangers, fire can be a wonderful blessing.

So we need not cringe when we read “our God is a consuming fire” (Hebrews 12:29). By His Spirit, He wants to burn out all the chaff — the impulses from our old fleshly nature that impede our spiritual growth. His judgment is always redemptive at heart. He wants everyone to enjoy the abundant life He has provided, so He judges those things that will hinder us.

For the Christian, to come under His discipline should be a joyful experience. Why? Because “The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son [or daughter]” (Hebrews 12:6). His discipline is a loving act, and He does not want us to lose heart when it happens.

Don’t throw cold water on His Spirit when He speaks; let Him have full access to your thoughts, attitudes of the heart, and behavior. If we heed His good counsel He will cleanse, purify, and restore us fully into the image of Christ. In order to do that, however, He needs full access, not just part-time surrender.

As Andrew Murray wrote in The Spirit of Christ,

“Unless [the Holy Spirit’s] personal, continual, divine indwelling be acknowledged and experienced, we must not be surprised if there is continual failure. The holy dove wants His resting-place free from all intrusion and disturbance. God wants entire possession of His temple.”

Building a good relationship with God’s Spirit is worth the effort. As with any good friend, all we need for intimacy with Him is loving respect, honesty, a willingness to make things right when we mess up, and a genuine desire to enjoy His company. He’ll do the rest!