Round One Is Done
As I await my second round of chemotherapy I can look back at the last three weeks with a sense of gratitude. God has truly been my strength and song! Oh, yes, I had some yucky days when I felt like I had a really case of the flu or cried out my frustrations and fears late at night. But oh my… those were so minor compared to the beautiful days of fellowship, comfort, and freedom from pain I experienced. The awful “descent into the pit” that I feared so much when I first heard that I would have to undergo chemo just never materialized. When I started, the Lord Jesus told me to just trust Him for what lay ahead. And now I see why. He was with me every step of the way. He poured out His grace into each new challenge that came. When one side effect surfaced (like the horrible coated mouth that colored the taste of everything I ate), I found I could cope with it until it disappeared and then a different side effect appeared. I never had to deal with more than one at a time. Probably the worst side effect was the fluttery feeling in my chest that prevented me from sleeping well during the day or night. I felt wired and anxious, which was quite a departure from my usual disposition. My doctor was never sure what caused this symptom. She thought it might be a withdrawal reaction to not taking the nausea medication I was on at first, but this was just a guess. Whatever caused it, I was glad when it went away as mysteriously as it came.
I did experience one small miracle during this time. I developed a mouth sore (another predictable side effect) that made it difficult to eat. One night as I was lying in bed praying I just asked the Lord to touch it and take it away. And in the morning it was gone. These kinds of small mercies confirmed what I knew: that the Lord was very mindful of my situation and He was making it as comfortable as possible for me.
Two weeks and one day after my first treatment I faced what I had been dreading the most: I was losing my thick, healthy hair. In two days I probably lost 3/4 of it. (A normal head is estimated to have 100,000 individual hairs, but I’m convinced I had more than that). I can’t describe how messy and disturbing this new development was to me, but yet again Jesus worked every detail out to make it as convenient as possible. The process began on Friday and continued all weekend (so I didn’t have to be at work while all this was going on), and by Monday I had my hair clipped short and picked up my wig that had been ordered weeks ago. So when I went back to work on Tuesday, I didn’t have to face everyone without adequate covering on my head. The man who ordered my wig is a Christian. He prayed with Tony and me the first time we met him, and he and his staff made the transition as painless as possible for me. It was also a huge blessing to have both my daughters in town at the time of my hair loss. Both of them showered me with love and helped me tremendously to adjust to the new situation. One even offered to buzz my hair so I wouldn’t have to deal with the long strands of hair falling everywhere. This takes great courage when you are not a trained beautician! She gave it her best shot, and I marveled at this gift of love that really was beyond the call of duty. I also rejoiced in how supportive my husband was, driving me to my many doctor appointments and assuring me that I was still beautiful. He complimented me on my bravery, which I appreciated, but I knew it was God’s Spirit that was sustaining me. I felt carried by strong arms and so could relax as things unfolded. I knew once I faced this fear, I would be less intimated when the next challenge came.
Friends have also been a tremendous source of blessing to me during this entire time of treatment, which has included both surgery and chemotherapy. Notes would arrive on the day I most needed them. Encouragement, love, and empathy poured from their lips and from their written correspondence. Never once did I receive “a discouraging word!” Considering how many people we know, that’s pretty amazing. Through my friends I’ve been able to see how important the body of Christ is in times of great need and distress. The prayers of my Christian friends have been felt some days… the Holy Spirit confirmed to me how they were lifting me up above all the circumstances and enabling me to rejoice in all things (just like Scripture tells us to do!) What a gift. I’m so grateful for those who have truly cared for me over the past three months. What a difference they have made!
Even my work place has been a refuge. My Christian co-workers have prayed for me in my absence, emailed me to see how I’m doing, and on the days I’ve been able to go into work they’ve been quick to offer their support and help. Never have I felt pressured to perform or be there if I didn’t feel up to it. People from many different departments in the organization have been interested in my welfare and have by their kind words lifted my spirits immeasurably. Another special gift from my heavenly Father!
Tomorrow I start my second round of chemo. I’m sure I’ll learn more lessons about God’s grace as I face new and unexpected challenges. My guess is that every round will be different in some ways from what I’ve experienced before. Harder? Easier? Same symptoms? Different ones? The answer to those questions is anyone’s guess. But this I do know: my Father will supply what I need for every one. I can trust Him for whatever I will face. I hope I’ll choose to focus on Him rather than my circumstances and continue to praise Him even on the rough days. Recently a friend sent a verse to me from the Old Testament about the Temple when it was being rebuilt. She said she felt that (like the new temple that would replace Solomon’s temple) my former glory will be surpassed by the new glory that God will work in me through my cancer journey. I choose to believe that, and I thank the Lord for His promise to work all things together for good in those who are called according to His purpose.
So come north wind and blow upon your garden… let the spices that come forth bring honor and glory to the King, and may I enjoy His fellowship in ever increasing depth and joyful discovery. I acknowledge every good and perfect gift you have given, Lord Jesus, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Let me not forget your benefits as I once again enter the strange and unpredictable world of chemotherapy.
Adventuring with God 